


A Ruse Gone Askew

by red2007



Category: One Day at a Time (TV 2017)
Genre: F/M, Post-Season/Series 03
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-24 04:03:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20901341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/red2007/pseuds/red2007
Summary: Schneider enlists Penelope's help at the next school auction and it ends up revealing more than they ever anticipated.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first foray into the world of ODAAT fanfic but Penelope and Schneider have my heart.
> 
> I don't own these characters, they belong to Netflix, Sony, and our savior PopTV and I post not for profit but for closure from a ship that will never come to fruition. *deep resigned sigh*
> 
> Audio version available on the Audio Fanfic Podcast [here](https://soundcloud.com/audiofanficpod/sets/odaat-a-ruse-gone-askew-by-red2007).

Penelope tore out of the auditorium at St. Bibiana’s at breakneck speed. Her heart was pounding in her chest, face flushed, the fingers of one hand gently whispering against her soft lips. Lips that were still tingling whilst her mind raced and she battled the inevitable panic attack.

_What the hell_, she screamed internally, _was THAT?_

She had to put as much distance between her and that room as she could manage, but she knew he’d be following right behind her. She just couldn’t think beyond the last few minutes—couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment things had taken the turn they had. _Dios mio,_ her hand finally left her lips and joined the other in massaging her temples, praying for her neurons to start firing properly so she could figure out what was going on or better yet, find a way out of whatever it was.

It was supposed to be a con, a simple ploy to get Nikki out of the way. A simple favor for a friend, but how had it ended with every sensation in her body heightened and thrumming and her mind a complete and electrified haze.

_10… 9… 8…_

She took a deep breath as she counted backwards in her head, trying to settle the tumult coursing through her.

_7… 6… Fuck, this isn’t working!_

She began to pace, the echo of her heels off the tile walls setting a rhythm that matched her rapid heart. He was her best friend, she was just doing him a favor, but she could still feel his hands on her face, in her hair. She could still smell his cologne and taste the peanut brittle he’d bought from the moms selling baked goods. _Girl, you’re in trouble._

She heard the door open in the distance and took another steady breath facing away from him. She half expected him to shout her name, but he didn’t. He took slow, even steps up until she could sense he was just a couple feet behind her.

“Pen…” His voice came out strangled, almost like he’d been working through the same shock and disbelief she had.

_He must have felt it too,_ her internal Jezebel whispered, and Penelope clenched her jaw in defiance. ‘It’—what exactly? She refused to turn and face him, and he knew better than force her so he stayed, resolute and unassuming behind her. “We should…” he started again, this time his voice clearer but still thick with emotion.

Trusting him to give her the time she needed, she took another deep, steadying breath and began replaying the last few hours in her mind, hoping to find some clarity so she could face him.


	2. Chapter 2

_Three hours earlier_

Penelope took one final look in the bathroom mirror and headed to grab her clutch off the table. She’d spent all afternoon with the snooty PTA moms and Mateo at the kids’ school, finishing with just enough time to run home and change out of her scrubs and get ready. Almost 40 and she knew she still had it. It was just the annual silent auction, nothing to get excited about but given that for the 3rd year running she and Mateo had basically done it single handed, she always liked to look like the boss bitch that she knew she was. It had been nice, this year, setting up for the event—now that things weren’t incredibly awkward with Mateo. She was glad to have her friend back. It was always a plus having a partner in crime to mock the rich moms with, and they were insufferable as always.

She was just heading to grab her keys when there was a sharp rap at the door immediately followed by it swinging wide open, rendering the previous knock a courtesy. Schneider walked straight through, flinging the door closed as he quickly crossed the living room and turned around to face her.

“Pen, I need your help,” there was a hint of desperation in his tone, like he was having some existential crisis. Which basically meant that his barber had closed down, or he was out of his favorite moisturizer and she quirked the corner of her lip at the thought.

“I thought you were already headed to the school,” she sat her clutch back on the table and moved so they both sat facing each other on the couch. “What’s going on?” She braced herself for the dramatic, smoothing the fabric of her tight blue dress where it fell mid-thigh.

He reached into the jacket of his grey suit and produced a bank envelope that he thrust at her. “I need you to bid on me.” Her face shown confusion for a few moments, staring at the envelope that was so full the paper was screaming to burst open.

“_Que—_what the hell, Schneider?” Out of sheer curiosity, and the fact that she didn’t think she’d seen that much cash in one place in her whole life, she took it from him. Mercifully popping the adhesive closure her eyes went wide. There was easily three grand in there, all hundreds. She felt a low whistle escape her, wasn’t sure where that had come from, but…yeah. _He’s officially losing his mind_, she decided, closing the flap and setting it down on her lap. “What on earth are you talking about?”

“Nikki. She’s going to be there and if the comments she’s been making toward me at baseball are true, she’s on the prowl again,” he was almost in a panic and Penelope couldn’t help the eyeroll and chuckle that came in response. “I think she knows I’m single and I’ve been doing so good this last year. After Avery…and my relapse. I can’t let her do this to me again.”

Penelope sighed, “it’s been 5 years since you started auctioning off Handyman for a Day, why don’t you just stop offering your…services?” She had to bite her bottom lip to avoid a full-on guffaw, the whole thing was ridiculous. Nikki had claimed him every year but the last and she would never understand how he let himself continually fall into that evil woman’s clutches.

“It’s my thing, Pen. I don’t wanna miss a contribution to the school. The kids deserve the best.” She loved the little light that shone in his eyes when he was defending her kids, even if this particular cause was ridiculous. “I mean, sure I give at other times, but I just don’t want to miss an opportunity to help out, but I _don’t_ want to help out in that way. Not anymore.”

“So you’re paying for yourself.” She finally did laugh out loud at that, it was absurd. “Doesn’t that mean you get to be my handyman for a day, because I gotta say I need plenty of work done. Our normal handyman isn’t exactly a get-your-hands-dirty kind of handyman.” She chided, thoroughly amused with herself. She waved her hands around the apartment in gest. “Fixtures that have been loose for months, a slow drain in the bathroom…” He crossed his arms and looked at her with feigned disapproval. “…and the fan over my bed has been squeaking since I moved in, I really think we should find a new guy.” She was laughing but her eyes met his and there was such tenderness there that she burst into a smile.

“You are hilarious,” he retorted dryly, punctuating every syllable. “Will you please help me? I promise I’ll get my handy-ma’am on every one of those tasks.” Their eyes met and they both erupted in loud peels of laughter.

Penelope shook her head when they’d subsided and stuck the envelope back in his suit pocket. She took the opportunity to adjust his collar and smooth his lapels, like it was the most natural thing in the world, resting her hands on his chest a moment. “I’ve got this,” she assured him, never one to back away from a challenge. Especially if it meant putting Malibu Barbie in her place, _and_ finally being able to sleep without fear of her fan crushing her in the night.

They both rose from the couch after deciding that she’d ride with him so they could make a game plan and strategize on the way, and she grabbed her clutch and keys.

As they were headed out the door and to the elevator she wondered, “what do you mean you give at other times?” She was walking behind him so she caught his slight misstep and could feel his demeanor shift a little. Curious. He looked back briefly as he reached to push the down button.

“It’s nothing. I’m moderately philanthropic, Pen. I give a lot of monthly donations to a lot of places.” He was purposefully evading her inquisitive glare and he wasn’t sure if that was in his best interest or not.

“Monthly?” She questioned with incredulity as the doors opened and they stepped inside.

“Sure. St. Bibiana’s is a great school but they can always use a little help. I want Alex and Elena to have every opportunity.” He punched the button for the first floor, ignoring the staring Cuban with her jaw slack and eyes wide. “You’d never let me pay their tuition, so I help out in other ways. Funding Elena’s composting project, new equipment for the baseball team.” He shrugged it off as simply as if he’d just told her he preferred sweet and sour to barbeque. Glancing over he finally met eyes that were covered with a misty sheen, her telltale singular tear threatening to fall. “It’s nothing, Pen. Really. I kinda hoped you’d never find out.”

She couldn’t believe it; and yet she could believe every word. This man who wasted money on bonsai trees, more exercise equipment than he even knew how to properly use, who never missed his weekly pedicure had been funding her kids’ school for…how long? Years, she was certain. She wiped at the escaped tear that careened down her cheek and smiled up at him wistfully. Part of her wanted to be incredibly upset at this clear overreach but she knew if she hadn’t pointedly asked him, he’d have lived a full life of anonymity. And she loved that about him. She straightened herself, fumbled with the keys in her hand. When the doors closed and the descent began, she couldn’t tell if the feeling she had in her midsection was from unchecked affection for her tall, alarmingly generous best friend or the shift of gravity from the elevator.


	3. Chapter 3

There was only an hour left in the auction and it almost seemed like Nikki had been purposefully avoiding Schneider all night. He and Penelope had been sharing surreptitious glances all night, waiting for the moment when he’d give her the signal. The event had gone off without a hitch, everyone was having a good time. Elena had met up with some of her friends from the GSA and they were manning a table auctioning off an in-home recycling training class they’d created. Alex was across the room working the crowd and drumming up bids for season tickets to the Oakland A’s. Mami had relented this year and she and Dr. Berkowitz had gone all out decorating the table for her knitting lessons. Penelope had spent the last two hours mingling with parents, putting out tiny fires that had arisen, and feeling pretty proud of herself for yet again putting together an amazing fundraiser. She was starting to think the whole evening would go off without a lonely, loaded housewife sized hitch when she heard a sound that instantly made her whole body cringe.

“Why hello, Schneiiiiider.” The way she drew out his name was like nails on a chalkboard. She was a few rows away, but it was unmistakable and vomit-inducing. She began to imagine a world without Nikki in it. Without the bizarre and incomprehensible pull she had on Schneider. She always struggled to understand how he’d gotten mixed up with her in the first place—it had always left her…unsettled. For as good a man as he was, this was one huge blot on his image that she wished he could erase. It would require a show, a good one. _I’ve got this_, she told herself as she sauntered over just as Nikki was signing a nice big _$300_ right below the poor souls that had already bid for the handyman’s assistance. She stepped up to Schneider, pressing just a little too close into his side.

“Nikki,” she began, her voice honeysuckle sweet but there was a definite edge to it. She glanced up at Schneider at the same time he looked at her, the look of relief laced with pride at her presence painted all over his face. She gave him a reassuring nod and a wink, hoping he’d play along.

“Penelope.” Nikki set the pen on the clipboard and gave her _that_ face—the manipulative duplicitous one that made her blood boil and reminded her of high school. A vapid sense of entitlement, and the looks to convince the world they’re worthy. _Ugh_, she shuddered imperceptibly.

“Did I see your husband walking around here somewhere?” Penelope scanned the crowd, knowing full well she’d only met him once picking Alex up after a baseball game. But she knew exactly what she was doing, and she smiled with fake sincerity.

“He’s in Hong Kong,” Nikki replied, locking her eyes with Schneiders. “For a month,” she finished, reaching over to run a hand down Schneider’s left arm. Schneider jumped back about an inch and shook his head firmly.

“No. We’re not doing this again, Nikki.” As ever, there was a waiver to his voice and Penelope knew she was going to have to bring her A-game.

She reached in between them to exaggeratedly look at the amount on the clipboard. She clucked her tongue, shaking her head and looking up at Nikki in disdain. “John Briggs is a Ella’s grandfather. I imagine if he bid on Schneider he needed the help. It’s too bad.” She took the pen, crossed off Nikki’s bid and wrote her own _$400_ below it. She moved her body fully in between the two of them, her back almost pressing against Schneider’s chest and she looked Nikki right in the eyes. “I know for a fact that you don’t need Schneider’s services. And I’m certain he isn’t in a position to offer you his. So,” she was dripping venom in the absolute kindest way she could, and she waved her hands to shoo the other woman away. “Go, and don’t you ever try to pull this shit again. This is your kids school fundraiser. Inside a Catholic school. Go throw your husbands money somewhere else.” As if to punctuate the point and ensure Penelope that he understood her play, he brought his hands up to rest lightly on her shoulders.

Nikki looked, confused between the two of them, entirely not used to _not_ getting her way. They both could tell that she was fighting a tantrum, but instead she reached defiantly for the pen, composing herself as she scribbled out the former bid and wrote a very large _$1000_ next to her name. “Lady, you do _not_ want to do that.” Nikki dropped the pen with a flourish, no longer seething, she leaned against the table, sizing them up.

“Oh, but I do.” She excessively cleared her throat and both Pen and Schneider braced themselves. “You see, you already have a handyman, Penelope. And you already pay him for those services.” She cocked her head to the side, running her eyes over Penelope from head to toe, her expression dripping with derision. “I also know, you couldn’t afford to pay him for _other_ services.”

Incensed, Penelope took a step forward, lifting her head slightly to look up at the petite woman. “Some of us don’t have to _pay_ for those other services.” The retort had just fallen out of her mouth, she wasn’t even sure where it came from…but when she committed to something, she went ALL in. Nikki looked aghast and pointed at them.

“You…and you?” She tried to contain her disbelief, but it came out in a full guttural laugh. “I don’t think so.” Her head kept shaking while she grabbed her side to ward off a pain from the laughter. When she finally caught a sight at them, they both looked annoyed and unbothered by her outburst. “I don’t buy this little act for even a second.” She started to turn away, certain she’d won and said, “I’ll see you Friday night, Schneider. 10:00?” As she took her first step, she saw Penelope reaching for the pen out of her periphery. “Oh, you can’t be serious.”

“This ends,” Pen replied. “Now.” But before she could cross off Nikki’s bid the woman reached out to halt her, sending curious glances at the both of them.

“I tell you what.” She readjusted her purse to put a hand on her hip. “Prove it.” Both Schneider and Penelope’s heads jerked up at that, both trying to hide their instant panic.

“I’m sorry, prove it?” Penelope asked. “What are we, in high school? I don’t have anything to prove.” She reached back for Schneider and caught his sleeve, “_we_ don’t have anything to prove.”

Nikki rolled her eyes and shrugged. “Prove it. Prove that you’re actually together and I’ll take back both my bids and we’ll let Grandpa Briggs have help hanging a chandelier or whatever.”

Penelope was internally screaming but you’d never have known from her exterior. _Prove it?! How the hell am I supposed to prove that I’m sleeping with Schneider?! This was supposed to be simple; _her internal monologue was running a mile a second and she had to take a subtle deep breath to calm it. The oxygen helped to center her brain on the task at hand. Make Nikki think they were in a relationship and this whole thing would be over, hopefully for good. It was exactly what she’d wanted, she couldn’t give up now. _This has been one of my better performances, one more little thing to clinch the win_, she reassured herself, turning toward her best friend.

Where Penelope was calm, cool, and mostly collected on the outside Schneider looked like he was about to lose it. She needed him relaxed for this, so she threw him a winning smile, because she planned to win. No matter what it took. She stepped into his space, just a thin wisp of air between them and she snaked her arm up his lapel and around the back of his neck. She ducked her head to catch his eyes and held them, hoping to offer him just a little of the strength she was feeling in the moment. It was just going to be a kiss. It’d be like kissing Mateo, anticlimactic and boring and they’d be laughing about it in 30 minutes after they’d rid their lives of the evil witch.

“Hey,” she whispered, drawing his attention that had diverted to her ruby lips. He was more settled, but she could feel his apprehension radiating from the hands that he’d softly placed on her hips. With her back to Nikki she sent him a supportive smile and quietly said, “don’t worry, just give me a look like this is actually something you want to do with me, and we’ll sell it.” If she’d been anyone else, she would have missed the split-second tortured tone that so filled his face she could see it just by looking in his eyes. In truth, that should have been the warning she needed that this whole scenario was about to take a very different and unexpected turn. Once he’d rid himself of the almost pained look a tender longing began to spread from the crinkles at the corners of his eyes until it filled his whole face. She could feel him emanating a strange undercurrent of desire which she chose to ignore to focus on the task at hand. _Here goes nothing,_ she told herself as she applied the tiniest bit of pressure at the base of his neck to pull him down to her.

Schneider brought his hands up to cup her face, his thumbs stroking her cheekbones seemed to throw her off her game a little moments before his mouth met hers. Her lips met his, tentative, barely touching, but she felt heat and unsteady and she felt like she was back in the elevator. The smooth caress of his thumbs, mingling with the feel of him against her lips, surrounding her senses was wreaking havoc on her control. She found herself subconsciously tightening her hand in the short, cropped hair at the back of his head, increasing the pressure of their kiss. For his part, Schneider seemed lost to the moment and he slid one of his hands in her hair, angling his head—completely taking their innocent display to something far beyond. Penelope couldn’t even tell herself they were definitely going to win because her mouth was too busy opening slightly of its own volition. As she darted her tongue out, she became acutely aware of the strong hand behind her head, the one that had abandoned her cheek to pull at her waist even as her own hand was pulling desperately at his lapel, keeping him as close as possible. The second their tongues met all thought of Nikki, the money, the fundraiser or their display escaped their minds. They were awash in a visceral snap of chemistry; the taste and feel of the other pressed against them, they didn’t even register just how much this was going to alter everything.

“_OKay_, you’ve made your point,” a clearly uncomfortable Nikki broke through after watching the couple for barely over a minute. Her sharp tone somehow managed to cut through the haze and the two broke apart, Penelope stumbling towards him a bit coming down from her tip toes. Schneider’s hands returned to her hips to steady her and she couldn’t help but notice his timidity from before was gone and his eyes were shining through his cautious visage. They heard Nikki scribble her name and walk away in a huff but they couldn’t look away from the other. Penelope’s face was flushed, her heart galloping in her chest as realization of what had happened mingled with alarm and brought her abruptly back into the moment. Her head spun around quickly, mercifully no one had really been paying much attention. When her hand came up to her lips, still tingling from the contact and already missing the weight of him against them, she lost her breath.

“I need..” She took a deliberate step back, she knew he could see just how affected she’d been by their dalliance. She could see the eggshells his entire body was teetering on trying to avoid saying or doing the wrong thing in that moment. “I…I have to…” She couldn’t say anymore – she bolted. She made a beeline for the nearest door and just ran, leaving Schneider staring after her. Along his line of sight, he saw two figures staring at him, jaws dropped. He was suddenly in uncharted territory and wasn’t sure how what to do. He didn’t want to lose his best friend, his family—but that kiss, he’d wanted to do that for a decade, and she _felt_ it. Everything around him came into alarming clarity even as his place in his entire world felt muddled and messy. He cast a desperate silent plea to the shorter figure staring at him. Lydia closed her mouth, nodded at him and pointed sharply in the direction Penelope had disappeared. He gave her a quick nod, collected himself and slowly made his way after her, pausing at the door to give her the moment he was sure she needed.


	4. Chapter 4

Penelope was still staring at the wall, looking away from him. The sheer want that she felt after rehashing their journey to this moment wasn’t helping her resolve. Schneider was one of the best men that she knew. She trusted him implicitly, she relied on him for far more than she’d ever relied on anyone. For her kids, for her mami, for her own well-being. But she’d never thought of him like this; never thought she could ever want him as badly as she found herself wanting him now. It scared her, realizing that over the last few years he’d almost completely filled a void she’d had since Victor. This physical connection, the intimacy they’d just shared had almost felt like the final piece of a puzzle she didn’t know she’d been building falling into place.

“Pen,” he whispered again, and she wiped two small falling tears from her cheeks, turning slowly to face him. Tentative brown eyes met shining and tender blue.

Hesitantly and quietly she asked, “what are we doing?”

“What do you want to do?” He couldn’t lead this conversation; he knew exactly what he wanted, and it involved Penelope in his arms up against the wall. It involved dates, Netflix & chilling, making love to her until he couldn’t breathe, becoming an official part of the family—for better or worse. He couldn’t make that leap, she had to, and he knew he couldn’t invest unless she wanted the same thing. He was still at a place where if she shot him down, he would be able to recoup and move past it.

She studied his eyes, that same tortured look of desire she’d seen just before they kissed had returned but she finally understood it. He wanted everything, but only if she was willing. She didn’t want to lose him. She didn’t want to ignore all the feelings he’d aroused in her. _Could we really work?_ She asked herself. _Could we really have everything? Could I even go back and ignore this?_ She realized in that moment that he’d held all this in for probably years.

“I think,” she began, hesitancy creeping into her voice. She took a step closer for courage. “I don’t want to go back.” She took another small step so she was standing right before him, raising her head so she could look right at him. “That was good, I mean _good_.” She bit at her lower lip as she watched his cheeks flush a little. “Could we maybe see where this goes? I mean if you want to.”

All apprehension that had been permeating Schneiders whole body evaporated and a huge grin erupted on his lips. The lips she couldn’t stop glancing at, lips she was anxious to taste again. “Really?” She couldn’t help but chuckle a little at his goofy smile, he really was adorable. How had she never seen it before?

She reached up, gripping his collar and bringing him down to her as she eased herself to her toes. “Yeah,” she whispered before claiming his mouth for the second time.


End file.
